The Struggle with Self Awareness


Have you ever been in the middle of a fight with your significant other and could hear yourself saying ridiculous things? Like, you were fully aware that you were being a huge b*tch but you were so worked up you just couldn't stop yourself?

Yea, I had one of those days last week.

What makes it worse is that my fiance is a calm and quiet fighter. Does that enrage anyone else? Just because you're calm doesn't mean you're right. You know what I mean? You may sound reasonable and logical because you aren't waking the neighbors with your increasing decibel levels, but it's so maddening because you. are. still. wrong.

So there I am - hollering - because my fiance is not comprehending the words that are coming out of my mouth.

It always amazes me how I can put together a very eloquent and sensible 3-4 sentence argument that deserves nothing but a white flag in defense, and yet, they never fail to completely misinterpret it.

That's half the battle with battles. No one is saying exactly what is wrong and no one is listening to what the other person is exactly saying.

Even sitting here trying to explain why fighting is so convoluted has gotten me all convoluted.

But I think I will arrive at a point by the end of this. You can be the judge of that.

Over the past 8 years in my 20s and over the past 5 years in this relationship, I am constantly surprised to learn new things... about myself.

How is it that I've existed solely in this here organism for almost 3 decades and I'm still dumbfounded by the things I say, or the things I am unable to say? How is it possible I am flabbergasted by some things I can do, and even more so by those that allude me?

It's frustrating. Does this mean I'm still growing and changing? Or does this mean my self awareness hasn't reached maximum capacity?

Is it a matter of "finding myself?" Do I need hire a Yogi and meditate on a remote mountaintop for a month to somehow unleash the mysteries within?

Or is this just the nature of life? Each stage in our journey brings on new experiences and we adjust (or fail to adjust) in ways that sometimes surprise us? Is it going from the old "you" to the new "you"? Over and over again?

And if this is the case, then I can see why people have a hard time staying together. You're trying to navigate yourself and your own changes while simultaneously keeping your spouse and your kids afloat. That's a lot of treading water.

What about you? How old are you? Do you still find that you're learning things about yourself? Good or bad? Do you think we get to a point where we reach full self awareness, or is it an eternal journey?


Kali

15 comments:

  1. No matter what age I constantly think we are growing and learning about ourselves, so I think it is an eternal journey.
    "The journey, not the destination matters..." T.S Eliot

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  2. Great post!!! I'm always learning new things about myself I think thats life we will forever change and find new things out about us and the people closest to us! Relationships can be tough because its not just you anymore, your own thoughts and feelings but someone elses too but as long as you communicate even over the smallest of things you'll go far! Commincation is key in every relationship I say it all the time on my blog. I can shock myself too when I'm angry but over the years I've got so much better at it and thats the beauty of life, we are always learning!

    Francesca | mylifeinrosetintedglasses.com

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  3. As you are growing, you are changing. Life is never meant to be still. Experience is what shape you and each experience is priceless. Always remember to put yourself first before anybody else.

    Sophia x
    www.sophianeve.com

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  4. I think in life we are always learning something new and changing. Loved this post! Have a great weekend.

    Gemma x
    www.jacquardflower.uk

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  5. I loved this post! I think we're always learning about ourselves, like I'm only 21 and I know I've still got so much to learn about myself but I feel like I've already learnt so much which has changed me in to the person I am today!

    Beth - www.bethcarney.com/

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  6. I think learning about ourselves is a constant and evolving thing. Different people and experiences teach us different things about ourselves that we would never learn without knowing those people or having those experiences. I think it's great to be constantly learning new things about myself. Xx

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  7. I think learning about ourselves is a constant and evolving thing. Different people and experiences teach us different things about ourselves that we would never learn without knowing those people or having those experiences. I think it's great to be constantly learning new things about myself. Xx

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  8. This is such a good post and I can completely relate! I am always learning new things about myself especially when I am putting in different situations, with different people and under different pressures etc. x

    www.laura-simone.com

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  9. This is something I think about a lot lately. I'll be 28 in a few months, and I've changed so much since college. I think being in a relationship with my SO for these 8 years has taught me a lot. I've realized that just because we are fighting, doesn't mean we don't love each other. He's stubborn, I'm stubborn, but I think we fight more productively now and evolve a bit together.
    Love this honest post!

    Jenn │ Beauty by Jellybean

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  10. I'd like to hope that we're always changing and growing. And hopefully if we've picked the right partner they too are growing and changing along with us. OR at least empathetic and supportive of our growth and change. In regards to the strong silent types in a fight - yeah hate that - makes me more frustrated, but not as much as someone who clearly doesn't seem to hear me. Sometimes I just need to have my concerns/side heard and then I'm fine.

    Looking forward to more posts!
    K of TAF
    www.theappreciationfactor.wordpress.com

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  11. Sometimes in an argument I feel like I am talking through a filter as what my husband hears is nothing like what I said. I think he is hearing what I say through his own patterns of negativity and that shifts it about face. I guess we all do this though and take things the wrong way. It is frustrating.. and I am the calm on in an argument. Its not easy for the calm one either though! 😉 Liking your vulnerability in this post .

    Aoife
    https://rheumatoidrecovery.com

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  12. I find that situations change me and the paths I've taken make me different. Not so different that I have a whole personality change but my emotions seem to evolve and which makes me evolve as a person and I hope for the better. I've learned a lot about myself expecially over the last year. Relationship wise, I am married and we both are individuals and polar opposites but it balances everything out.

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  13. I'm in my early thirties and I'm still learning about relationships and about myself. It's a journey..a journey of self discovery and really discovering what you can handle and what you cannot. In relationships and life in general. For some reason the calm ones in an argument always piss me off because to me it seems as if they don't find the matter at hand as serious..I know it's weird. Perhaps I need to learn a thing or two myself! Great post Kali! ��

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  14. I'd like to think that there is a certain point in which you know yourself fully. In life we go through several different situations but if we pay close attention to ourselves, and even seek the opinions of others, we can detect patterns in what kinds of situations evoke certain feelings and emotions in us. A great circumstance or situation can always be equated with one on a smaller scale, and yet still have the same outcome in both... I hope that makes sense... Just my own thoughts! Thank you for posting this, I thoroughly enjoyed it!

    - Courtney<3
    www.thecurlyanomaly.com

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  15. I think it's going to be a learning curve forever and ever! I suppose we change as we get older and then there are new things to learn as we change. Love your first personal post! It's always hard to write personal things, another learning curve I guess. :)

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